From a class presented by Lee Busch, November 7, 2024
Welcome
This will be presented as a simple framework that combines mindfulness and positive psychology practices — creating an operating system for the mind to help handle challenges. We will break things down into lists of threes and simple techniques to make it easier to understand.
When you’re presented with a challenge, there are three possible gifts you can gain:
- knowledge,
- power or strength,
- inspiration.
A challenge could be anything, like moving to a new place or entering a new phase of life. We perceive these situations as challenging because they’re different from our regular routine, and anything unfamiliar tends to feel challenging to our brain, body, and survival systems. The survival part of our brain sees anything unfamiliar as dangerous. For example, starting a new diet can feel like a threat because it’s different — new food, lower calories, and our survival systems think, “What if there’s a famine? I need to keep these pounds.” The brainstem resists change; it prefers repeating what it’s used to, as that’s perceived as safe.
Threat responses
When we feel threatened, our survival systems come online. This can interfere with our ability to think clearly and make the most out of the situation. Negative emotions — fear, anger, frustration, disappointment, shame, guilt, self-doubt — block our access to higher-order and creative thinking.
4-F
These emotions activate the Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn response. Many people know about fight or flight, but there’s also freeze, like a deer in headlights, and fawn, where people try to appease and make themselves small to avoid confrontation. The problem with Freeze and Fawn are they don’t help you burn off the stress, so you really get stuck.
Think vs React
The key to navigating these emotions is to regain access to our higher-order thinking. When we are stressed, our body’s sympathetic system is activated — cortisol and adrenaline go up, heart rate increases, digestion slows, and the body prepares for action. But a lot of us live in this state constantly, and that’s why we see so much inflammation and stress-related diseases in our culture. Chronic stress ages us, and it keeps our brain from functioning optimally.
There are techniques like meditation and physical self-regulation — breathing exercises, grounding techniques, spending time with pets, making art, doing crafts, or time in nature — that can help.
We don’t have time now in this abbreviated lecture to discuss the many physical self-regulation options. I’ll just give you two for now: Grounding and Box Breathing
Grounding:
One practical grounding exercise involves using your senses — noticing:
- four things you can see,
- three things you can touch,
- two things you can hear,
- and one thing you can smell.
You focus on each of these things slowly, mindfully, with great attention, like they are the first times you’ve ever seen or felt these things. This slows the mind by taking you into your senses.
Box breathing:
Another useful technique is box breathing — inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, then pause. Then repeat at least 3 times. Slow breathing tells your nervous system that you’re safe, calming the body.
Present focus
In challenging times, anxiety often comes from projecting into an uncertain future, while depression involves dwelling on the past. The present moment is where peace lies, and focusing on it can help anchor and ground us.
So for now please imagine that you’ve managed to physically calm yourself from the initial stress responses — things like rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and the surge of adrenaline. Now in this new calmer state, you’re ready to engage your mind to find the gifts within the challenge.
Let’s look at that list again:
You’re looking for:
- the gift of knowledge (what can I learn?),
- the gift of strength (how can I grow?), and
- the gift of inspiration (how can this motivate me toward something greater?).
When applying these gifts, think about
- yourself,
- others,
- and circumstances
So really you have a 3-by-3 matrix. For example, with the gift of knowledge, ask yourself: “What can I learn from this to manage better or grow from it? What can I learn how to do for others? and What will I learn about managing similar circumstances in the future?”
Knowledge:
First, think about what knowledge you can gain from the situation — how you can learn and grow. Challenges are like weights in the gym that strengthen our mental muscles.
An example of the gift of knowledge would be a challenging period in my own life, when I had to care for my ill father. During that time, I made the decision to leave my job so I could be there for him. This experience taught me many things, including how to adapt and make big life changes when circumstances require it. Interestingly, that decision ultimately brought me to where I am today, coaching you and giving this lecture.
The gifts from such profound experiences don’t always reveal themselves immediately — it can take years to fully understand their impact. But looking back, I see that this experience not only helped me grow personally but also set me on a completely new career path. It’s a reminder that even the most difficult times can be opportunities for growth, learning, and transformation.
Strength:
Next, focus on the gift of strength: how you can grow stronger, both mentally and emotionally.
I’ll give an example of the gift of strength from a recent experience I had during a negotiation. I found myself representing a large group of people on a Zoom call in front of about 200 participants, confronting someone in power. Normally, I tend to avoid confrontation, and I can easily feel overwhelmed in these kinds of situations. But this time, I told myself that, regardless of the outcome, I would be okay.
Self-Trust
That helped me stay centered, advocate effectively, and communicate clearly on behalf of those I represented. It was a reminder that self-trust aids ability to manage challenging circumstances. You will discover that we can all handle more than we think, and each experience builds on our resilience — if you remember and appreciate your successes.
Inspiration:
Lastly, look for the gift of inspiration — how this challenge can inspire you to take action or motivate others.
An example of the gift of inspiration could be grieving a loss. In such times, many people are inspired to take action, like donating money to a charity related to the loved one who passed away. By channeling grief into meaningful action, we turn loss into something positive — a way to honor someone’s memory and make a difference in the world. Even the toughest moments can inspire us to create something good.
Another instance of the gift of inspiration came to me yesterday, right after the election. I decided that I wanted to be kinder and more positive toward the people around me. I made a conscious effort to make everyone I interacted with laugh, like the grocery store cashier. I also chose to approach customer service interactions with positive intent — beginning each conversation with a compliment before addressing any concerns. These small actions were my way of being a small force for good in the world, aiming to elevate the level of kindness. It may not seem like much, but these moments can create ripples of positivity that impact others in meaningful ways.
The 3×3 matrix:
Remember that you can think about these gifts in three categories: yourself, others, and circumstances. So it’s like a three-by-three matrix — knowledge, strength, and inspiration for yourself, for others, and for your circumstances. Consider drawing out a 3×3 grid and writing them out for each challenge you need to respond to.
Additional points:
Togetherness
Empathy and community are important aspects of managing challenges. For example, reaching out to others, making someone laugh, or simply showing kindness can not only improve their day but also help you process your own challenges in a positive way.
Acknowledging
It’s also important to acknowledge difficult feelings rather than suppress them. Feelings like anger or sadness are valid, and the only way to move forward is to let yourself feel them. I prefer the term “acknowledge” rather than “accept” because acceptance can imply that something is okay, which may not always be the case.
Acknowledgment means recognizing what is happening without necessarily being okay with it. This approach allows us to decide what actions we want to take in response. “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is a well-known meme that expresses this well.
Your Point of Focus
One thing I often share is the importance of focusing on where you want to go, rather than what you want to avoid. It’s like skiing—if you look down the mountain and focus on where you want to go, you’re more likely to get there. But if you look at the obstacles right in front of you, you’ll likely hit them. The same applies to our thoughts: focusing on catastrophe often leads us there, while focusing on positive outcomes helps us navigate toward them.
Choice
Ultimately, we as humans have the unique ability to choose our response. We don’t have to react automatically; we can pause and decide how we want to respond to a situation. And that’s where real growth and empowerment come in.
Serenity
In addition to choosing your reaction, remember the oft-shared thought:
“Choose to control the things you can, and let go of the things you cannot control.”
This aligns closely with the Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”.